I have a friend who claims he has never been depressed. Further questions reveal (at least to me) that he knows depression well but associates depression with psychological weakness. That leads me to my first tip for dealing with depression–avoid people who see depression as a psychological weakness. I’m not here to debate the validity of that belief, but true or not, it won’t help with depression.
While I’m on the topic of who to avoid, stay clear of people who say things like “get over it”, “things could be so much worse”, or the worst of all, suggest you should pretend to feel better for the benefit of those around you. Again, maybe all of those people mean well, but they are not helping you.
In fact, the people closest to you are likely to make your depression worse because their desire to see you happy will motivate you to lie to them and yourself about how you really feel.
Yes, depression is a solo enterprise. Much like grief, it is understood almost universally, but sharing it does not relieve it. You can know you’re not alone in the abyss, and when you’re there, you also know that means nothing other than there are too many depressed people in the world.
Many of us have recipes for coping. I have tried most, but I’ll save my most successful process for last.
- Knowing when to withdraw. Common advice for the depressed is to be with people. I don’t know what sadist put that in print. Although a friend or two who will hang out with you and not expect you to snap into happiness may be useful, for most of us depression calls for making ourselves less accessible to people. Remember that 99% of the population has no idea what you need, and even if they know, they can’t give it to you. A mental health expert may be your best companion, if the financial implications of that relationship doesn’t depress you further.
- Prescriptions. Antidepressants work for many. Congratulations if you’re one of those. For me, they only complicated everything.
- Other drugs. Alcohol, or other drugs that change mood do exactly that–change mood. It’s temporary, and sometimes that’s a bit of relief. Pretty early in life, they lost their appeal for me. Obviously, I can’t speak for the millions of users who continue all their lives.
- Nature. I’m too depressed to do the research right now, but someone has studied this. There is some truth to sunlight, vitamin D, and slowing your reactions and responses in the stillness of nature as a depression cure. I’m sure it’s true for most. The sun hates me, though, and I’m allergic to everything outside, so my experience with the great outdoors is limited.
- Diversion. By all means, give it a try. I have found stand-up comedy to be useful. Movies (but choose carefully) and television. Reading. Any hobby that has been fun in the past, go for it. However, if you’ve hit rock bottom, they won’t appeal to you. Diversion is best used when depression is mild.
- Doing something for someone else. It always feels good to help someone, unless your depression stems from giving until you have nothing left to give. You are the only one who can judge. Be aware, the result will only be temporary. Sometimes a temporary fix is worth the effort.
- Exercise. It pains me to admit that exercise works, but it does. It’s like diversion, though–if you’ve sunk to the most profound depths of the pit, someone very strong and scary will have to make you exercise.
- Maintaining physical health. There are resources everywhere about manipulating diet and other health habits to alleviate depression. (We’ve all read about chocolate being a good choice.) Overall, the idea is if the body feels better, so will the mind. This is more of a preventive measure, though. It’s too late when you’re depressed to decide to be healthy. As for diet, I know people who eat more when depressed, and those who can’t eat when they’re down. It’s an individual experience.
- Meditation. I’m a believer in meditation and I don’t leave home without it. I don’t recommend upping the dosage of meditation when depressed, though. Keep the routine you have and expect what you always get from it–a sense of equilibrium, clearer thinking, tranquility. It won’t make depression worse, but it has not been a cure. (Not in my experience, anyway.)
- Therapy/Talking about it. A professional can help. I admit that analyzing all my reasons for depression gave me some satisfaction. I liked knowing why I was depressed and how far it went back, who was to blame, etc. After all of that, I was still depressed. And it was more vivid. Unfortunately, it is impossible for me to know how I would feel now if I hadn’t tried therapy. What I do know is continuing to talk about it on and on adds more fuel to it. Once more, this has been my experience and does not represent what may happen to you or anyone else.
- Unplug. If you’re depressed, it never helps to watch the news. Give up the need to stay informed when you’re in this state of mind. The world will still be collapsing when you feel better.
- Sleep. It’s slow, but it works. When you sleep, you’re not depressed. No need to feel lazy for sleeping a few extra hours every night because the majority of us are sleep-deprived. These days, I’m sleeping 10-11 hours at night.
- Stop struggling. This is it. The most helpful skill I’ve ever learned when dealing with depression. Stop adding judgment to it. Stop telling yourself you must feel better. Stop telling yourself you don’t have sufficient reason to be depressed. Stop panicking because progress is slow. Stop feeling bad about feeling bad. Why make it worse?
I cannot take credit for the epiphany of number 13. I learned it from Pema Chodron, who after hearing my lifelong battle with depression, smiled, and said, “Okay, you’re depressed. Go and be depressed.”
The thought has been around longer than Pema Chodron, too. Rumi’s famous poem, “The Guest House” covers it, although with more mirth than a depressed person would read it:
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
And if all else fails, try the song that’s always on my morning playlist:
Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional and no advice here is guaranteed. If you are feeling suicidal, please do not contact me because I am also drowning. Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255.
