What Do You Say?

This essay was a runner-up prize winner in “The Fountain” magazine’s 2019 essay contest on the theme of gratitude.

The earliest recollections of gratitude for me are overshadowed by guilt.  As a child, each time I was given something, even before I could form a smile or register the actual feeling of gratitude that was swelling within, my mother’s voice thundered over me.

“What do you say?”

With the humiliation of that reminder dulling my happiness, I would mutter the obligatory “thank you”.  Whatever I was given was still welcome, but a sense of indebtedness, unworthiness, and guilt for not saying “thank you” in the millisecond before my mother screamed at me.

My mother, like many mothers, had good intentions with this reminder to express gratitude.  Parents want to release courteous, well-mannered children into the world.  As an adult, I continue this custom. Many occasions as a high school teacher I give students candy for Halloween or Christmas treats, only to have a few students grab gifts and keep walking.  I feel they are too old for the “What do you say?” prompt.  Teenagers are much more receptive to the sarcasm of an unbidden, “You’re welcome”.

It is clear that the gratitude society expects on a daily basis has nothing to do with honesty.  Whether sincere or not, the trading of expressions of gratitude and acceptance of the expression are a part of the protocol of everyday life.  Each day, we receive thanks from many people, most of whom are thinking of something else entirely as they say the words.  We know this, yet we still want to hear the words.

It could be that we do not seek the feeling of gratitude in other people.  For me, at least, it seems like gratitude is too much to ask of another human being.  However, acknowledgment is the least someone could show.  “Thank you” has nothing to do with feeling thankful; it simply acknowledges that someone has made an effort for someone else.  It is a reflexive response that seems to only be noticed when it does not occur.

 The last time I was stopped for speeding, I felt no gratitude whatsoever.  Nevertheless, when the officer handed me the ticket, what did I say?  “Thank you.”  What is worse, he responded with, “You’re welcome”.  Eye contact followed that confirmed what we both knew; the interaction had been insincere and slightly embarrassing.

Gratitude exists, however.  True gratitude is less welcome than cursory acknowledgment.  In fact, it will be deflected almost immediately with “No problem, don’t mention it, it was nothing”.  I have expressed true gratitude only to be physically wafted away like a bad odor.  People are annoyed or embarrassed by gratitude. 

On the other side, I admit I do not welcome gratitude, either.  I tend to contribute anonymously for this reason.  I have told people to pay it forward rather than try to repay me for something I’ve done.

Perhaps it is an argument of semantics, and maybe it varies from person to person, but gratitude seems to be associated with a feeling of debt, of slight inferiority, of not deserving whatever has been received.  Whether it is because of our parents forcing us into the cult of repetitive thanksgiving, or my own personal problems clouding my judgment, gratitude is not a pure positive emotion.  Its tinge of negativity is its implied position of humility.  We are taught from childhood that we should, if we are good people, feel gratitude.  If we do not feel gratitude, we should express it anyway.  If we fail to feel or express gratitude, we are terrible people.  To be safe, we express it constantly whether we mean it or not.  On those occasions when we feel genuine gratitude and express it, we find it unwelcomed because the recipient of our gratitude empathizes with the negativity of the emotion and rejects it, as it is not his intention to inspire any negativity with his generosity.

My theory applies to most of us.  The martyrs and masochists have their own agendas for the rituals of thanksgiving.  Someone who is validated by being owed, or by feeling unworthy, may very well achieve more gratification from society’s current expectations.  Of course, the percentage of the population to which this applies is indeterminate.

Religion must be included in any discussion of gratitude.  Almost all religions in my knowledge and experience speak of gratitude and its role in service to others, to patience, and to civility.  Those of us raised in a religion, without a doubt, spent time as a child thanking a deity for things, events, or people in our lives.  It is obvious that this practice in any religious context has the positive result of teaching children to develop a conscious awareness of those things they value.  The deity to whom they give credit is a matter of less importance, at least in the discussion of gratitude.

Even with religion’s lofty intentions, the negativity manages to seep inside.  At a very young age, I was forced into a southern protestant religion with a weekly practice of hymns.  One in particular, “Alas, and Did My Savior Bleed”, confused me.  The lyric which contained “for such a worm as I” made me question relatives, who had no satisfactory answer.  I was being taught that a loving, divine being had created me in its image and was watching over me, but this lyric seemed to suggest that even as a divine image, I was insignificant, and therefore owing my life to this being.  Did it also imply that I could also be crushed by this loving, divine being?  At the age of eight, I could only refuse to sing that verse.  Over the next few years, I found other self-loathing lyrics, but with age, I also became more self-loathing and therefore, less bothered by what I was asked to sing.  However, I was not able to transform my self-loathing into gratitude.  I was told that it was only logical that because I was unworthy, I should be grateful for any blessing I might receive. What began as counting my blessings had become being unable to look my blessings in the eyes.

Other religions stress the importance of gratitude, as well.  It is difficult to find a religion that does not recommend or demand it from its disciples.  The recommendation or demand for it, in itself, is another contaminant of gratitude.  It is not enough that a person feels undeserving of blessings, but he must also feel grateful if he wishes to remain in a deity’s favor.  The inability to have the genuine feeling only magnifies his self-loathing.  If he can achieve true gratitude, he is still unworthy.

On the other hand, many people find strength and happiness while embracing unworthiness.  I have friends and family who live in a state of gratitude and claim to be happy.  Being grateful is not a deterrent to overall happiness, at least for the majority of folks. Some would argue that gratitude remains a constant necessity for healthy humans, reminding us that everyone finds himself in need of assistance occasionally and that too much independence destroys the unity that we need to survive.  As for the tinge of humiliation involved, the ego can recover from being lowered a peg or two.  Compared to other emotions, gratitude is preferable to hatred, contempt, jealousy, grief, frustration, or boredom.  For a person who is lingering in extremely negative emotions, such as depression or anger, gratitude can be inspirational.

As humans are so diverse, they are difficult to define and analyze.  The value of gratitude can only be ascertained in a creature that does not have it.  That creature would be the cat.  The psychology of a cat is devoid of gratitude.  A cat feels worthy of all great things, past, present and future, and reigns wherever it exists. 

However, no one appreciates life like a cat.  The cat deserves the sun, is worthy of the sun, and accepts a warm sunbath with total appreciation.  The cat appreciates the service of humans without a hint of gratitude.  The cat feels no guilt for eating the food it deserves. The cat loves the feeling of its claws in fine fabrics and appreciates their destruction in full expectation that more fine fabrics will follow.  The cat simply appreciates taking a nap on a warm human and knows the human appreciates the privilege of being a cat bed.  

Appreciation and gratitude both involve valuing a thing, an action, or a person.  However, they are not synonyms. Appreciation has no debt.  Appreciation is worthy.  People want to be appreciated; they do not necessarily want someone indebted to them in gratitude.  Appreciation releases everyone involved from obligation. 

Perhaps we should strive for the attitude of the cat.  We are worthy, deserving creatures.  We are interdependent without being codependent.  We are creators, givers, and we are open to others’ gifts and creations.  We appreciate, relishing the value of our experiences for what they are, and admiring the kindness, courage, and dignity of others without comparison to ourselves.